saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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