i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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