i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
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It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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