I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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