he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
