I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
