did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
