Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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