I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
