Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
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you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
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Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.