alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
