There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If I die, sorry about rent.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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