so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
