I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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