girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Brb crying the tears of my youth
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
