Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
how drunk are you?
Several
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
