those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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