IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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