so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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