Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Still dying that you shit outside
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
