she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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