so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
