oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
