This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
