Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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