Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
