I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
