the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
