It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
