I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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