I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
