Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
