I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
