everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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