you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
