happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
