she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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