oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
is wine microwaveable?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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