My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
