Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
