thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
