I feel great
I just peed on a car
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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