Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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