Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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