Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
