oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
