I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
are you so shy because you have an std?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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