he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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