Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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