Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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