my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
