So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
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I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning