I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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