do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
