we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
