some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
