His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
